Everyone is doing it...

I know I have ranted about this before but I feel the need to talk about this a little more. Perhaps by discussing my fears I will be able to understand more about myself and why I fear the thought of having children. Is it my selfish ways that make the desire to have children completely obsolete? Is it silly to think that my freedom, my personal time and space will disappear as soon as a tiny being with its own mind, thoughts and desires pops out of my body? That is another thing...yes the belly sounds fabulous. I must admit that I would love to sit in bed and gorge on a giant bowl of cereal resting a-top of my big-ol'-belly but am I ready to have my bits and pieces stretched beyond imagination where I have to wear a pad the size of my a baby diaper after the beautiful but life limiting bundle of joy comes out?

I am getting to the ripe old age of making babies and yet my desire to do so is null and void. Friends all around me are getting hitched, buying their condos and destroying every one of my 2008 summer dreams of parties, camping and days at the beach sipping cold beers and gawking at the beach goers because they are "getting ready" (quitting: smoking, substances, and drinking too much) to prepare their bodies for a life long exhausting journey of raising a small person to become a socially well rounded human being who understands the difference of right and wrong and to hopefully become a 'good citizen'...whatever that means.

So here I sit and wait...only time will tell (meaning my internal clock) if I will be ready and willing or kicking and screaming into motherhood.

Time to write

So I said I was back and then I left again. I don't know if it's writers block or the challenge of expressing my emotions right now. I am in a good place but for whatever reason I can't seem to get what is in my head onto these cyber pages that you people find and read, perhaps you add me to your favourites or simply delete. Many of you may have left my pages to find new and exciting bloggers who create joy, sadness or curiousity in your life. My apologies. I know to keep up a blog is extremely important but if there is no creative juices flowing...to me it's just a waste. So here I go again. I am letting someone into my blog world. You know you are. Here you will find my personal struggles, random thoughts, and my 'day in the life' chronicles. These random thoughts that I share are ways of coping with my internal struggles or simple stories I would like to share. So here I am back in the saddle, starting a new journey... won't you come ride with me?

absence makes the heart grow fonder

Yes, it has been months...and after trying to figure out my password because I had no idea what it was...I'm back baby!

I think I am finally figuring out the Christmas spirit, if there is such a thing. Getting older, I realize that presents don't really matter to me. Don't get me wrong I will gladly accept any offerings that sparkle, smell of leather or feel like silk but I wouldn't be disappointed if I did not get any gifts at all. It seems as though Christmas lost its meaning in my tween years. All I cared about was getting the latest music CD's, or should I say tape casettes in those days, or the hottest fashions that would impress my fellow classmates. But now, I am just glad to be spending time with my family and friends whom I love, even though they can drive me crazy sometimes, and all sit around, laugh and be merry, literally!

Run the bases

When life throws you a curve ball don't just stand there and let it pass you by...take a swing at it. Tomorrow is a whole new day which means you can stand up and dust off your uniform after sliding head first into a mound of 'WTF!?' So what if yesterday sucked...time to move on and make the next day better. Stop hitting the dirt every time you feel boxed in, take a chance, run hard, take a dive, who knows maybe you will make it home and be safe. Let the people that love you be your base runner, don't try and play the game on your own or you will never win. Love the game but be careful of foul play, not only will you lose but you let the team down too.

Pondering

"Slow down everyone your moving too fast..." Jack Johnson. Why is it that so many people are in such a hurry these days? Life can get out of control and things are happening all around us that we have no control of so why let it get to us? Every morning I drive to work and cars are zooming past me, honking, swerving....and to get to where...work? Do we need to put our lives and others' lives at risk just to get to work on time? If your late, your late. There is nothing you can do about it, but apologize to your boss and learn to manage your time better, but too often I see people rushing, cursing and scrambling to get to places that will still be there even if they are late. It seems as though there is little patience left in people. I used to be very impatient, but I soon started realizing that life is too short to worry about the person in front of you with 13 items in the express lane when they should only have 12. I would stress about the little things all the time, and it only made me feel angry and frustrated...stupid really. So I am learning to take things as they come, see the positive side of any situation, practice patience and let things go. When life gets busy, step back, take a deep breath and remember the things that make you smile and let those wonderful thoughts take over...then keep on movin'.

Happening all at once...

Everything is about to change. New relationship, new career, possibly a new place to live. They say things happen in three's and here is proof. My life for the past few years was in slow motion...living life day by day...no thoughts of future plans only thoughts of where am I travelling to next. Now with my life in overdrive I feel the need to gear down and take a glance out the window now and then to make sure I am not passing anything by. My feelings are mixed. Both excitement and terror overwhelm me in moments when I am cruising through the forests of my hometown on my ladybug with my dog scrambling along beside me, tongue hanging out and eyes wide with excitement. I am ready to become a grown up, or at least I thought I was. Now I often think life would be a lot better if we started out old and got younger each day...then we can look forward to the carefree life of a child again.

Honesty sucks sometimes

Honesty is the Human quality of communicating and acting truthfully. I sometimes have a problem with it. I know that honesty is important but what happens when you don't tell something about your past so that you don't hurt the one you love? There is no excuse for lying but when it is to protect someone you care about, why is it so bad? I have been struggling with this for the last few days and I have come to realize that keeping things from the person who cares about you is wrong. Unfortunately I found this out the hard way by getting caught in a lie. Now I wish I could take it all back. The thing I lied about was not something I did that I shouldn't have...I just thought it was something that was part of my personal past which I felt did not need to be part of the present or other people's business. So now I sit here alone again to think about what I have done. It's time to stop worrying about others feelings for a while and take care of me.