Everyone is doing it...

I know I have ranted about this before but I feel the need to talk about this a little more. Perhaps by discussing my fears I will be able to understand more about myself and why I fear the thought of having children. Is it my selfish ways that make the desire to have children completely obsolete? Is it silly to think that my freedom, my personal time and space will disappear as soon as a tiny being with its own mind, thoughts and desires pops out of my body? That is another thing...yes the belly sounds fabulous. I must admit that I would love to sit in bed and gorge on a giant bowl of cereal resting a-top of my big-ol'-belly but am I ready to have my bits and pieces stretched beyond imagination where I have to wear a pad the size of my a baby diaper after the beautiful but life limiting bundle of joy comes out?

I am getting to the ripe old age of making babies and yet my desire to do so is null and void. Friends all around me are getting hitched, buying their condos and destroying every one of my 2008 summer dreams of parties, camping and days at the beach sipping cold beers and gawking at the beach goers because they are "getting ready" (quitting: smoking, substances, and drinking too much) to prepare their bodies for a life long exhausting journey of raising a small person to become a socially well rounded human being who understands the difference of right and wrong and to hopefully become a 'good citizen'...whatever that means.

So here I sit and wait...only time will tell (meaning my internal clock) if I will be ready and willing or kicking and screaming into motherhood.

Time to write

So I said I was back and then I left again. I don't know if it's writers block or the challenge of expressing my emotions right now. I am in a good place but for whatever reason I can't seem to get what is in my head onto these cyber pages that you people find and read, perhaps you add me to your favourites or simply delete. Many of you may have left my pages to find new and exciting bloggers who create joy, sadness or curiousity in your life. My apologies. I know to keep up a blog is extremely important but if there is no creative juices flowing...to me it's just a waste. So here I go again. I am letting someone into my blog world. You know you are. Here you will find my personal struggles, random thoughts, and my 'day in the life' chronicles. These random thoughts that I share are ways of coping with my internal struggles or simple stories I would like to share. So here I am back in the saddle, starting a new journey... won't you come ride with me?

absence makes the heart grow fonder

Yes, it has been months...and after trying to figure out my password because I had no idea what it was...I'm back baby!

I think I am finally figuring out the Christmas spirit, if there is such a thing. Getting older, I realize that presents don't really matter to me. Don't get me wrong I will gladly accept any offerings that sparkle, smell of leather or feel like silk but I wouldn't be disappointed if I did not get any gifts at all. It seems as though Christmas lost its meaning in my tween years. All I cared about was getting the latest music CD's, or should I say tape casettes in those days, or the hottest fashions that would impress my fellow classmates. But now, I am just glad to be spending time with my family and friends whom I love, even though they can drive me crazy sometimes, and all sit around, laugh and be merry, literally!

Run the bases

When life throws you a curve ball don't just stand there and let it pass you by...take a swing at it. Tomorrow is a whole new day which means you can stand up and dust off your uniform after sliding head first into a mound of 'WTF!?' So what if yesterday sucked...time to move on and make the next day better. Stop hitting the dirt every time you feel boxed in, take a chance, run hard, take a dive, who knows maybe you will make it home and be safe. Let the people that love you be your base runner, don't try and play the game on your own or you will never win. Love the game but be careful of foul play, not only will you lose but you let the team down too.

Pondering

"Slow down everyone your moving too fast..." Jack Johnson. Why is it that so many people are in such a hurry these days? Life can get out of control and things are happening all around us that we have no control of so why let it get to us? Every morning I drive to work and cars are zooming past me, honking, swerving....and to get to where...work? Do we need to put our lives and others' lives at risk just to get to work on time? If your late, your late. There is nothing you can do about it, but apologize to your boss and learn to manage your time better, but too often I see people rushing, cursing and scrambling to get to places that will still be there even if they are late. It seems as though there is little patience left in people. I used to be very impatient, but I soon started realizing that life is too short to worry about the person in front of you with 13 items in the express lane when they should only have 12. I would stress about the little things all the time, and it only made me feel angry and frustrated...stupid really. So I am learning to take things as they come, see the positive side of any situation, practice patience and let things go. When life gets busy, step back, take a deep breath and remember the things that make you smile and let those wonderful thoughts take over...then keep on movin'.

Happening all at once...

Everything is about to change. New relationship, new career, possibly a new place to live. They say things happen in three's and here is proof. My life for the past few years was in slow motion...living life day by day...no thoughts of future plans only thoughts of where am I travelling to next. Now with my life in overdrive I feel the need to gear down and take a glance out the window now and then to make sure I am not passing anything by. My feelings are mixed. Both excitement and terror overwhelm me in moments when I am cruising through the forests of my hometown on my ladybug with my dog scrambling along beside me, tongue hanging out and eyes wide with excitement. I am ready to become a grown up, or at least I thought I was. Now I often think life would be a lot better if we started out old and got younger each day...then we can look forward to the carefree life of a child again.

Honesty sucks sometimes

Honesty is the Human quality of communicating and acting truthfully. I sometimes have a problem with it. I know that honesty is important but what happens when you don't tell something about your past so that you don't hurt the one you love? There is no excuse for lying but when it is to protect someone you care about, why is it so bad? I have been struggling with this for the last few days and I have come to realize that keeping things from the person who cares about you is wrong. Unfortunately I found this out the hard way by getting caught in a lie. Now I wish I could take it all back. The thing I lied about was not something I did that I shouldn't have...I just thought it was something that was part of my personal past which I felt did not need to be part of the present or other people's business. So now I sit here alone again to think about what I have done. It's time to stop worrying about others feelings for a while and take care of me.

time does heal...

Time heals right? Well how f***ing long do I have to wait? I do realize that when someone you care about most hurts you that it will take time to get over it. I do not hold grudges. I am a forgiving person but with an overactive imagination that floods my emotional pool that

I thought I was able to keep at a calm. It is easy to tell somebody else how to live their life. We say "get over it" yet cannot listen to our own advice even when we give it willingly to those we love and care about. Does this mean I don't love myself enough to take my own advice? Do you think that we project our feelings and emotions onto others because we are too terrified to listen to ourselves? It feels like a huge weight is lifted off of your shoulders when you tell a friend what they need to do with their life in order for them to be happy because it is actually what you wish to say to yourself but for some reason you just don't listen.

Change is good

Things are changing all around me. We are said to be creatures of habit and the idea of change is hard to accept but we manage to adapt. As we get older some changes are unavoidable. Friends become more distant as they get married and start a family. Other changes include realizing you are not nineteen anymore and you have bills to pay, a career and a personal life to manage. Routine is comforting. But when your comfort zone starts to loosen around the edges, panic sets in. It is the strangest feeling to know that life is taking a serious turn in a completely new direction and you want to hold on for dear life to the all too familiar parts of your life that made things easy. So here I go...I am going to do my best to embrace it...but I am scared to death.

missing you

It's been a long time since I thought about you. I know it sounds terrible but if I visualize when you were here, sadness consumes me. I wish that everyday I could think about the good times such as dancing to Elvis in the living room on Sundays but I am not that strong. Any memory of you shatters my world. I know it is awful to wish that it happened to someone else but I don't care. I did not have the chance to get to know everything about you as I was too young. I did not get to talk to you about boys, share funny moments I had with friends or tell you how much I looked up to you. I know I don't think of you enough and it is too difficult to talk about you with others but please know that if I could give every wonderful experience in my life to have you back, even if for one minute...I would.

Too much information

How much is too much when telling others about your relationships? I am one of those people who say whatever is on my mind and talk freely of my life, love and friendships. I feel that talking about problems or feelings I have with others help me deal with the situation better. I don't feel it is rude to talk about things that are important to me and I often need to hear others opinions and insights in order to make sense of my situation. I have no shame in telling others my life at that moment is not going well...no one has a perfect life and I guess I am just one of those people who don't feel the need to hide it. Often times I do feel terrible about talking about close friends in not-so-positive ways but I am just being real. I don't want to candy coat anything. If I find a friend is behaving badly I express that to them and others who I feel should know. If I am having difficulty in my relationships with men, I tell my friends about it. After all, these are my friends and I trust them entirely and I know they will not judge.

Who am I?

I make fun of people to get a laugh. I have a bad temper. I don't feel sorry for people. I get upset when I see animals abused on TV but barely bat and eyelash when people get murdered. I tell fibs to avoid hurting others. I like to flirt shamelessly with boys knowing full well I am not taking them home. Sometimes I don't brush my teeth in the morning. I hold things inside until I finally blow up at others who are often undeserving of it. I pee in the shower. I say horrible things under my breath to bad drivers. I have a really hard time telling people I care about them. I only like to hug certain friends and family. I used to make fun of people who watched CSI and now I am addicted. I don't like my friends dog...I think she is borderline retarded. I say things that are politically incorrect (see previous sentence). I have a nice figure, so I am told, but I constantly look in the mirror and tell myself I am fat. I think about what I am going to eat for the day as soon as I get out of bed. I am addicted to using the Entertainment book and try to only eat at those listed because I am cheap. I give the middle finger when I walk passed my neighbour's door because I think she is a miserable old spinster who complains too much. I hardly ever have my dog on a leash. Children annoy me. This is who I am. I will try to do my best to stop being negative and be more loving...but I can't promise you anything.

I'm not ready yet.

As much as I try to forget...the memories...the awful memories keep rushing back to me. Why can't I just let the past go? The past consumes me. I play those things that hurt me the most, over and over in my head until I suffocate on thoughts that make my heart ache, my stomach turn...I can't breathe. How does someone affect another so much so that it destroys their self confidence they worked so hard on rebuilding. Words can comfort you to a point...but actions speak the loudest. You can tell someone you love them over and over, but by doing so...the true meaning of that word becomes transparent and worn. The word "love" is not something you use to grasp at something that is drifting away. I wish that there was a mechanism in our brain that would allow us to erase all of those moments that tear us up so much. It would be easier to walk away from that person, place or thing forever so the pain would simply go away. But giving up would be easy...and I am not ready to do that yet.

"I want to know what love is..."

I struggle to figure out what love really is. Is it simply compatibility? Or is there more to it than that? I know a person becomes dizzy with emotions when you first fall in love...but these feelings subside and the reality of living together "forever" sets in. I believe that if you are in love...it should be easy. You should be comfortable with each other in every way. Be able to tell each other your most embarrassing moment, be able to look straight into their eyes and tell them how much you love and need them without flinching. That to me is what love is. Yes there are other facets of love which include; trust, understanding and compromise...but without being completely at ease when in your lover's arms...then maybe there is something missing.

Sacrifice: a short term loss in return for a greater gain.

Why do I have to give up something that means so much to me to make another happy? Why do I have to lose something to gain something else? Why can't I have both? I guess that is what sacrifice is. I have learned that as much as we would love to have our cake and eat it too, we have to pass up the icing. We know that by giving up the most delicious part we will thank ourselves in the end...right? Or will we always feel like we missed out and forever look back on that moment and wonder how we could pass up something so wonderful?

Chaos...where are you?

Why is it that when everything seems to be going wonderfully you find a way to find something wrong. I only seem to function well in chaos. I seem to be only capable of being alive and full of emotion when something in my life is terribly out of control or I have to make huge life choices. Perhaps I don't feel like I am alive when there isn't something making my heart race, my emotions spin out of control with the need to hang on to something to avoid losing my grip on reality. My creative juices aren't flowing...because...well...I think I am happy. I have a job, a wonderful family, amazing friends and someone who I care about. It just seems too easy to feel this good. There is no drama, no heartache, no what-ifs? So why the funk do I feel the need to grab the etch-a-sketch, shake it up and start over?

Pay attention to your senses

You can't control your feelings so instead of convincing yourself of something, listen to your body because it doesn't lie. Your body gives you signals that tell you your happy or unhappy. Your heart races with excitement, aches when you are sad or pounds when you are angry. You get the butterflies when the moment is magical or you feel like your insides were ripped out when things go wrong. You can't talk yourself into wanting something you simply don't physically desire. Pay attention to your senses and literally go with your gut feeling...it's always right.

Piece of me

Each person you meet brings out a different piece of who you are. One person may bring out the silliness in you. Another may bring out your wild side. Someone who you may only see once a year, you seem to share your deepest secrets with. Each person you meet shares something unique with you and is able to tug on your human strings which can either bring out the creative, energetic, loving, irrational, sexual, sarcastic side of you.

It is important to have relationships with people who bring out different parts of your dynamic self otherwise you would not be able to fully express who you are. When you do find that person who pulls all of those pieces of your puzzle out of the box and is able to put them together to make you whole...hang on tight because that is something really special.

Do my best...

I will do my best to be honest with myself
I will do my best to be honest to others
I will do my best to let people in
I will do my best to close the door to my past
I will do my best to love unconditionally
I will do my best to tell someone I love them everyday
I will do my best to not take things too seriously
I will do my best to be a friend who does not judge
I will do my best to be positive
I will do my best to take care of me

That is the only thing I can promise you.

Life happens...

No matter how much you try to control the events in your life things will happen regardless of your efforts. You can search for answers but eventually you have to accept that this is how things are meant to be. You can choose a path in life and follow it with sheer determination but there will always be something that slows you down or switches the track and you careen off into another direction entirely. You struggle to stick to your plan but some other force is pulling you as you kick and scream. You either accept your fate and push on full steam ahead or put on the brakes and hope to hell you find your way back to your chosen route.

We are faced with opportunity and obstacles every day. We can either choose to put a stronghold on ourselves and resist change and please others by following the path that is expected of you...or you let fate step in. It's ok to be scared. It's your life to live but remember you don't have as much control as you think.