I'm not ready yet.

As much as I try to forget...the memories...the awful memories keep rushing back to me. Why can't I just let the past go? The past consumes me. I play those things that hurt me the most, over and over in my head until I suffocate on thoughts that make my heart ache, my stomach turn...I can't breathe. How does someone affect another so much so that it destroys their self confidence they worked so hard on rebuilding. Words can comfort you to a point...but actions speak the loudest. You can tell someone you love them over and over, but by doing so...the true meaning of that word becomes transparent and worn. The word "love" is not something you use to grasp at something that is drifting away. I wish that there was a mechanism in our brain that would allow us to erase all of those moments that tear us up so much. It would be easier to walk away from that person, place or thing forever so the pain would simply go away. But giving up would be easy...and I am not ready to do that yet.

"I want to know what love is..."

I struggle to figure out what love really is. Is it simply compatibility? Or is there more to it than that? I know a person becomes dizzy with emotions when you first fall in love...but these feelings subside and the reality of living together "forever" sets in. I believe that if you are in love...it should be easy. You should be comfortable with each other in every way. Be able to tell each other your most embarrassing moment, be able to look straight into their eyes and tell them how much you love and need them without flinching. That to me is what love is. Yes there are other facets of love which include; trust, understanding and compromise...but without being completely at ease when in your lover's arms...then maybe there is something missing.

Sacrifice: a short term loss in return for a greater gain.

Why do I have to give up something that means so much to me to make another happy? Why do I have to lose something to gain something else? Why can't I have both? I guess that is what sacrifice is. I have learned that as much as we would love to have our cake and eat it too, we have to pass up the icing. We know that by giving up the most delicious part we will thank ourselves in the end...right? Or will we always feel like we missed out and forever look back on that moment and wonder how we could pass up something so wonderful?

Chaos...where are you?

Why is it that when everything seems to be going wonderfully you find a way to find something wrong. I only seem to function well in chaos. I seem to be only capable of being alive and full of emotion when something in my life is terribly out of control or I have to make huge life choices. Perhaps I don't feel like I am alive when there isn't something making my heart race, my emotions spin out of control with the need to hang on to something to avoid losing my grip on reality. My creative juices aren't flowing...because...well...I think I am happy. I have a job, a wonderful family, amazing friends and someone who I care about. It just seems too easy to feel this good. There is no drama, no heartache, no what-ifs? So why the funk do I feel the need to grab the etch-a-sketch, shake it up and start over?

Pay attention to your senses

You can't control your feelings so instead of convincing yourself of something, listen to your body because it doesn't lie. Your body gives you signals that tell you your happy or unhappy. Your heart races with excitement, aches when you are sad or pounds when you are angry. You get the butterflies when the moment is magical or you feel like your insides were ripped out when things go wrong. You can't talk yourself into wanting something you simply don't physically desire. Pay attention to your senses and literally go with your gut feeling...it's always right.

Piece of me

Each person you meet brings out a different piece of who you are. One person may bring out the silliness in you. Another may bring out your wild side. Someone who you may only see once a year, you seem to share your deepest secrets with. Each person you meet shares something unique with you and is able to tug on your human strings which can either bring out the creative, energetic, loving, irrational, sexual, sarcastic side of you.

It is important to have relationships with people who bring out different parts of your dynamic self otherwise you would not be able to fully express who you are. When you do find that person who pulls all of those pieces of your puzzle out of the box and is able to put them together to make you whole...hang on tight because that is something really special.