absence makes the heart grow fonder

Yes, it has been months...and after trying to figure out my password because I had no idea what it was...I'm back baby!

I think I am finally figuring out the Christmas spirit, if there is such a thing. Getting older, I realize that presents don't really matter to me. Don't get me wrong I will gladly accept any offerings that sparkle, smell of leather or feel like silk but I wouldn't be disappointed if I did not get any gifts at all. It seems as though Christmas lost its meaning in my tween years. All I cared about was getting the latest music CD's, or should I say tape casettes in those days, or the hottest fashions that would impress my fellow classmates. But now, I am just glad to be spending time with my family and friends whom I love, even though they can drive me crazy sometimes, and all sit around, laugh and be merry, literally!

Run the bases

When life throws you a curve ball don't just stand there and let it pass you by...take a swing at it. Tomorrow is a whole new day which means you can stand up and dust off your uniform after sliding head first into a mound of 'WTF!?' So what if yesterday sucked...time to move on and make the next day better. Stop hitting the dirt every time you feel boxed in, take a chance, run hard, take a dive, who knows maybe you will make it home and be safe. Let the people that love you be your base runner, don't try and play the game on your own or you will never win. Love the game but be careful of foul play, not only will you lose but you let the team down too.

Pondering

"Slow down everyone your moving too fast..." Jack Johnson. Why is it that so many people are in such a hurry these days? Life can get out of control and things are happening all around us that we have no control of so why let it get to us? Every morning I drive to work and cars are zooming past me, honking, swerving....and to get to where...work? Do we need to put our lives and others' lives at risk just to get to work on time? If your late, your late. There is nothing you can do about it, but apologize to your boss and learn to manage your time better, but too often I see people rushing, cursing and scrambling to get to places that will still be there even if they are late. It seems as though there is little patience left in people. I used to be very impatient, but I soon started realizing that life is too short to worry about the person in front of you with 13 items in the express lane when they should only have 12. I would stress about the little things all the time, and it only made me feel angry and frustrated...stupid really. So I am learning to take things as they come, see the positive side of any situation, practice patience and let things go. When life gets busy, step back, take a deep breath and remember the things that make you smile and let those wonderful thoughts take over...then keep on movin'.

Happening all at once...

Everything is about to change. New relationship, new career, possibly a new place to live. They say things happen in three's and here is proof. My life for the past few years was in slow motion...living life day by day...no thoughts of future plans only thoughts of where am I travelling to next. Now with my life in overdrive I feel the need to gear down and take a glance out the window now and then to make sure I am not passing anything by. My feelings are mixed. Both excitement and terror overwhelm me in moments when I am cruising through the forests of my hometown on my ladybug with my dog scrambling along beside me, tongue hanging out and eyes wide with excitement. I am ready to become a grown up, or at least I thought I was. Now I often think life would be a lot better if we started out old and got younger each day...then we can look forward to the carefree life of a child again.

Honesty sucks sometimes

Honesty is the Human quality of communicating and acting truthfully. I sometimes have a problem with it. I know that honesty is important but what happens when you don't tell something about your past so that you don't hurt the one you love? There is no excuse for lying but when it is to protect someone you care about, why is it so bad? I have been struggling with this for the last few days and I have come to realize that keeping things from the person who cares about you is wrong. Unfortunately I found this out the hard way by getting caught in a lie. Now I wish I could take it all back. The thing I lied about was not something I did that I shouldn't have...I just thought it was something that was part of my personal past which I felt did not need to be part of the present or other people's business. So now I sit here alone again to think about what I have done. It's time to stop worrying about others feelings for a while and take care of me.

time does heal...

Time heals right? Well how f***ing long do I have to wait? I do realize that when someone you care about most hurts you that it will take time to get over it. I do not hold grudges. I am a forgiving person but with an overactive imagination that floods my emotional pool that

I thought I was able to keep at a calm. It is easy to tell somebody else how to live their life. We say "get over it" yet cannot listen to our own advice even when we give it willingly to those we love and care about. Does this mean I don't love myself enough to take my own advice? Do you think that we project our feelings and emotions onto others because we are too terrified to listen to ourselves? It feels like a huge weight is lifted off of your shoulders when you tell a friend what they need to do with their life in order for them to be happy because it is actually what you wish to say to yourself but for some reason you just don't listen.

Change is good

Things are changing all around me. We are said to be creatures of habit and the idea of change is hard to accept but we manage to adapt. As we get older some changes are unavoidable. Friends become more distant as they get married and start a family. Other changes include realizing you are not nineteen anymore and you have bills to pay, a career and a personal life to manage. Routine is comforting. But when your comfort zone starts to loosen around the edges, panic sets in. It is the strangest feeling to know that life is taking a serious turn in a completely new direction and you want to hold on for dear life to the all too familiar parts of your life that made things easy. So here I go...I am going to do my best to embrace it...but I am scared to death.

missing you

It's been a long time since I thought about you. I know it sounds terrible but if I visualize when you were here, sadness consumes me. I wish that everyday I could think about the good times such as dancing to Elvis in the living room on Sundays but I am not that strong. Any memory of you shatters my world. I know it is awful to wish that it happened to someone else but I don't care. I did not have the chance to get to know everything about you as I was too young. I did not get to talk to you about boys, share funny moments I had with friends or tell you how much I looked up to you. I know I don't think of you enough and it is too difficult to talk about you with others but please know that if I could give every wonderful experience in my life to have you back, even if for one minute...I would.

Too much information

How much is too much when telling others about your relationships? I am one of those people who say whatever is on my mind and talk freely of my life, love and friendships. I feel that talking about problems or feelings I have with others help me deal with the situation better. I don't feel it is rude to talk about things that are important to me and I often need to hear others opinions and insights in order to make sense of my situation. I have no shame in telling others my life at that moment is not going well...no one has a perfect life and I guess I am just one of those people who don't feel the need to hide it. Often times I do feel terrible about talking about close friends in not-so-positive ways but I am just being real. I don't want to candy coat anything. If I find a friend is behaving badly I express that to them and others who I feel should know. If I am having difficulty in my relationships with men, I tell my friends about it. After all, these are my friends and I trust them entirely and I know they will not judge.

Who am I?

I make fun of people to get a laugh. I have a bad temper. I don't feel sorry for people. I get upset when I see animals abused on TV but barely bat and eyelash when people get murdered. I tell fibs to avoid hurting others. I like to flirt shamelessly with boys knowing full well I am not taking them home. Sometimes I don't brush my teeth in the morning. I hold things inside until I finally blow up at others who are often undeserving of it. I pee in the shower. I say horrible things under my breath to bad drivers. I have a really hard time telling people I care about them. I only like to hug certain friends and family. I used to make fun of people who watched CSI and now I am addicted. I don't like my friends dog...I think she is borderline retarded. I say things that are politically incorrect (see previous sentence). I have a nice figure, so I am told, but I constantly look in the mirror and tell myself I am fat. I think about what I am going to eat for the day as soon as I get out of bed. I am addicted to using the Entertainment book and try to only eat at those listed because I am cheap. I give the middle finger when I walk passed my neighbour's door because I think she is a miserable old spinster who complains too much. I hardly ever have my dog on a leash. Children annoy me. This is who I am. I will try to do my best to stop being negative and be more loving...but I can't promise you anything.

I'm not ready yet.

As much as I try to forget...the memories...the awful memories keep rushing back to me. Why can't I just let the past go? The past consumes me. I play those things that hurt me the most, over and over in my head until I suffocate on thoughts that make my heart ache, my stomach turn...I can't breathe. How does someone affect another so much so that it destroys their self confidence they worked so hard on rebuilding. Words can comfort you to a point...but actions speak the loudest. You can tell someone you love them over and over, but by doing so...the true meaning of that word becomes transparent and worn. The word "love" is not something you use to grasp at something that is drifting away. I wish that there was a mechanism in our brain that would allow us to erase all of those moments that tear us up so much. It would be easier to walk away from that person, place or thing forever so the pain would simply go away. But giving up would be easy...and I am not ready to do that yet.

"I want to know what love is..."

I struggle to figure out what love really is. Is it simply compatibility? Or is there more to it than that? I know a person becomes dizzy with emotions when you first fall in love...but these feelings subside and the reality of living together "forever" sets in. I believe that if you are in love...it should be easy. You should be comfortable with each other in every way. Be able to tell each other your most embarrassing moment, be able to look straight into their eyes and tell them how much you love and need them without flinching. That to me is what love is. Yes there are other facets of love which include; trust, understanding and compromise...but without being completely at ease when in your lover's arms...then maybe there is something missing.

Sacrifice: a short term loss in return for a greater gain.

Why do I have to give up something that means so much to me to make another happy? Why do I have to lose something to gain something else? Why can't I have both? I guess that is what sacrifice is. I have learned that as much as we would love to have our cake and eat it too, we have to pass up the icing. We know that by giving up the most delicious part we will thank ourselves in the end...right? Or will we always feel like we missed out and forever look back on that moment and wonder how we could pass up something so wonderful?

Chaos...where are you?

Why is it that when everything seems to be going wonderfully you find a way to find something wrong. I only seem to function well in chaos. I seem to be only capable of being alive and full of emotion when something in my life is terribly out of control or I have to make huge life choices. Perhaps I don't feel like I am alive when there isn't something making my heart race, my emotions spin out of control with the need to hang on to something to avoid losing my grip on reality. My creative juices aren't flowing...because...well...I think I am happy. I have a job, a wonderful family, amazing friends and someone who I care about. It just seems too easy to feel this good. There is no drama, no heartache, no what-ifs? So why the funk do I feel the need to grab the etch-a-sketch, shake it up and start over?

Pay attention to your senses

You can't control your feelings so instead of convincing yourself of something, listen to your body because it doesn't lie. Your body gives you signals that tell you your happy or unhappy. Your heart races with excitement, aches when you are sad or pounds when you are angry. You get the butterflies when the moment is magical or you feel like your insides were ripped out when things go wrong. You can't talk yourself into wanting something you simply don't physically desire. Pay attention to your senses and literally go with your gut feeling...it's always right.

Piece of me

Each person you meet brings out a different piece of who you are. One person may bring out the silliness in you. Another may bring out your wild side. Someone who you may only see once a year, you seem to share your deepest secrets with. Each person you meet shares something unique with you and is able to tug on your human strings which can either bring out the creative, energetic, loving, irrational, sexual, sarcastic side of you.

It is important to have relationships with people who bring out different parts of your dynamic self otherwise you would not be able to fully express who you are. When you do find that person who pulls all of those pieces of your puzzle out of the box and is able to put them together to make you whole...hang on tight because that is something really special.

Do my best...

I will do my best to be honest with myself
I will do my best to be honest to others
I will do my best to let people in
I will do my best to close the door to my past
I will do my best to love unconditionally
I will do my best to tell someone I love them everyday
I will do my best to not take things too seriously
I will do my best to be a friend who does not judge
I will do my best to be positive
I will do my best to take care of me

That is the only thing I can promise you.

Life happens...

No matter how much you try to control the events in your life things will happen regardless of your efforts. You can search for answers but eventually you have to accept that this is how things are meant to be. You can choose a path in life and follow it with sheer determination but there will always be something that slows you down or switches the track and you careen off into another direction entirely. You struggle to stick to your plan but some other force is pulling you as you kick and scream. You either accept your fate and push on full steam ahead or put on the brakes and hope to hell you find your way back to your chosen route.

We are faced with opportunity and obstacles every day. We can either choose to put a stronghold on ourselves and resist change and please others by following the path that is expected of you...or you let fate step in. It's ok to be scared. It's your life to live but remember you don't have as much control as you think.

6 weird things I do before sleep or while sleeping

This is a response to Sara Sue's tag of 6 weird things...

1. Have a bath and make my important phone calls.
2. Put lotion on my elbows and hands (avocado body butter yummm) so I hopefully won't have saggy elbow skin when I get older...ewwww
3. Say good night to my dog Charlie and give him an ear rub!
4. Take a vitamin C and Ginseng...eventhough it hasn't been fighting any colds lately...starting to wonder if that shit even works.
5. Tell my mom I love her and I miss her
6. I have been told I talk sometimes in my sleep and snore like a 400lb trucker...not sure if that's weird or not...

It's up to you...

I have learned throughout the years to take responsiblity for my actions. For every action there is a reaction and for every choice we make we can expect good things or bad things. I have lived my life always worried about how other people felt and put their feelings before my own. Not any more. We all make poor decisions, we all make mistakes but when a person loses someone they care about as a result of their inability to take control of their life, it is nobody's fault but their own. I need to look out for myself. This does not mean I am not willing to lend a hand, provide guidance or love unconditionally, it means that I am not taking reponsiblity for another person's life choices. It is not up to me to make someone happy, it is up to them and them only.

No one is responsible for your happiness or unhappiness, only you are.

Over analyze this!

Why is it that people prefer to make a fuss over silly, unimportant things that only cause more problems than solutions? We go through life trying to make things more complicated by over-analyzing every single thing and when we finally make the decision, we go over the decision again in our heads to determine if we made the right one. There are just too many choices...maybe that's it. Why does there need to be 101 flavours of ice-cream? Stick with chocolate, vanilla and strawberry how hard is that? Going shopping can be head spinning as every clothing store has 25 styles of jeans. I have enough life decisions to make I don't have time to spend 2 hours in a dressing room. I wish things could be simple, easy and straight forward. We are surrounded by too much stuff. What happened to the good ol' days where everyone drove a ford or a chevy, drank just milk, not soy, half fat crap that is not providing you with the real good stuff that your body needs. It was a simple choice to make back then, one or the other, not one or the ten others...can't we go back to those days? I swear we would live longer, healthy, happier lives.

Material World

Why is it that we girls think that buying $100 pair of jeans that make our ass look great will make us feel better about ourselves? When those DISH jeans make your butt look like J-Lo's it feels fantastic but that feeling lasts only a moment and then reality sets back in. Material things are just that...material things. Instead of dealing with our inner demons by seeking counseling, therapy or taking yoga, we hit the mall for some ‘therapeutic’ spending. My visa is worn and faded because as soon as I hit an emotional bump in the road I hit the tiled floors and bright corridors of the outlet mall to buy something 'pretty' to fill that giant void in my life. It doesn't stop at clothing either. I started drinking wine during the week hoping that warm fuzzy feeling will drown out the voice in my head screaming out..."decide already...what path are you going to take...the smoothly paved road or the pot holed path leading into the unknown?”

God! It's so much easier to buy a good bra instead!

Laugh out loud

I love to laugh, who doesn't really? It makes you giddy, gives you goose bumps, and boosts your spirit. Why is it that you laugh harder when you know you are not suppose to? Like when you are in an elevator or classroom and it's dead silent...and your friend or co-worker does something silly or gives you a look and you feel the blood rush to your face, your ears get hot, eyes water and the giggles begin. People also seem to laugh at the most inappropriate times. For example my girlfriend decided (after several beers) to hop on some little kids bike and careen down a pot holed road. She flew like a pebble in a sling shot over the handlebars and ended up face down on the pavement with the bike wound up in her legs like a pretzel. She was definitely in pain...but the group of drunken gals' broke out into hysterics with some snorts thrown in and all my friend could utter out as she gasped for air with the handlebars wedged between her chest was "don't laugh now...laugh later", which only made the guffaws even louder! Then your body comes down for that burst of energy and jitters and you sigh loudly and re-call the event in your head...and it sends you back into hysterics.

This is the picture of my girlfriend who thought riding a kids bike after finishing a bottle of wine was a good idea...

"Deal" with it

I just want one. I don't want to make a choice. I want it to be easy. Why is it when you finally break loose from wanting and needing someone, meet a completely new person...then the one you broke loose from creeps up from behind and knocks you on your ass again? It is an interesting phenomenon...just when you think to yourself "my life is on track and I am in control"...BAM you're hit with a left hook and all you see is flashes of what could have been, should have been...might have been and could still be.

I am dealt a great hand but I always throw back two cards and ask the dealer for more....just for the excitement! Go on "take a chance" I say..."what's the worse that could happen?" I get dealt two new cards and now my odds of winning are slim to none...do I bluff, pretend everything is OK, be strong and throw in a couple chips and face what's coming to me? Or do I fold, give up and wait until the next hand is dealt, which could be far worse than what I have in my hand right now? I throw the extra chips...what the hell...I lose the round but I feel that the next round will be more exciting than the last....Deal me in!

Impact...

As the song comes on the radio, you disappear into your secret place, that memory that makes your chest ache or flutter with excitement or sends that hot rush of blood through your body. That song that comes on the radio that catches you off guard and you fight back the tears, your hands shake and you forget for a moment that you are driving. How is it that a song can mean so much? Perhaps it's the words that are said that hit you in all the right or wrong places. It's almost like the lyrics were written about your life. Or perhaps that certain song played while you were experiencing your first kiss, first dance, first hahemmm or that first moment when you looked into his eyes and you thought...this could be him. We all have those special songs and they may have changed your life for worse or for better, but it somehow made an impact.

Songs that make my knees weak or heart pound.
More than Sorry - Ben Harper, Sideways - Citizen Cope

First Time for Everything

You meet at a small coffee shop on a busy cross street downtown so that there is the possibility of people watching in the case that your blind date is boring, weird or has not dealt with his anger issues yet and you need a distraction. You arrive first. You know this because everywhere you turn there are couples, old people and their dogs and a gorgeous man dressed to kill and you know that only in your wildest dreams, this would be the guy. So you order a coffee that requires 5minutes to order because you ordered the tall, half decaf, one pump vanilla, extra hot, with whip and caramel so that you can kill time and make it look like you have not been waiting long. You find a table outside beside a guy who is emailing wildly on his laptop. You think to yourself he is either writing an amazing essay and he is at the climax of his story or he is describing naughty things he wants to do to his girl/boyfriend when he gets home. So you sit with your coffee, check yourself in the window to make sure that the toxic car exhaust has not completely frizzed your hair. After 10 minutes you now begin to get nervous. This guy stood me up...maybe he saw me and kept on walking...you think to yourself "am I that fugly?" Finally you see a guy enter the coffee house discreetly searching for a single gal. You smile in his direction, he catches your eye, and heads on over...ok this is it. What do you now...do you shake hands, hug, or just say hi!?

I have my first ever online date invitation. I will keep you posted on how it unfolds.

Good day sunshine...dahdahdahdahdah!

As I walk my dog each morning through the forested trails the crisp air cools my nose and the cold air hits my lungs as if I just ate a mint. At 5:30am the only thing I hear are birds singing their morning song. The dew on the succulent deciduous bushes are glistening as Charlie hurdles through them chasing an unfortunate squirrel that got caught in his sights. The sky is clear and the wetness on the leaves begin to evaporate. It is going to be a hot one today, I can feel it.

What is it about the sunshine that gives you such wonderful energy? The rays put a smile on your face when you step into the natural light, the warmth of the sun kissing your cheeks and the soft, subtle breeze licking through your hair. The positive vibration rushes through your body as the rays of light follow you...duck behind a building and grab you again as you pass by an opening. I wish that I could feel this energy the sun brings to me always.

Game called LIFE

I roll the dice onto the colourful board game of LIFE. I jump three spaces and pick up a card, read my clue and decide my next strategy. Do I drive ahead four spaces in my plastic car with missing holes of where my "husband and kids" should be hoping that around the next bend that cute boy with the tattoos, hot car, who is not afraid to cuddle in public, who has a great job and a cute dog is waiting for me? OR do I reverse three blocks back to take a chance on the one who broke my heart into so many pieces that I am is still kicking them across the floor when I move the couch to vacuum? I decide to move ahead four spaces, wait my turn, and roll again. Doubles! Here is my chance to by-pass the church and pass up picking up the kids to fill my back seat because I need room for my dog, and drudge on into the unknown. I sit in idle while I watch others play their game of LIFE. Some have filled the holes in their cars...others truck along without picking up a chance card, play it careful and continue on down the same red road with no hesitation only to finish the game without ever exiting off the freeway. The dice are passed to me and I toss them carelessly across the board. Snake eyes! I pick up another card from the heaping pile of LIFE's choices...what is my next move? After experiencing bumpy roads and wrong turns, I decide to reverse five blocks back. I park in front of a house with a white picket fence...I begin to panic...do I turn off the ignition get out and begin a life with missing pieces that I am not fully confident I will ever find again? Or do I get back into that car with the three empty holes, drive through the stop sign and get on the freeway to take the road less traveled? Is it still possible to win?

Giving up too soon?

So this online dating thing....there are no boys within an 80 mile radius of my hometown. I thought I would do a custom search...the results were terrible...maybe I am being too picky, or maybe this just isn't for me? Is it so bad to dream about being 'swept off your feet' by a handsome, funny, financially stable man that catches your eye from across the parking lot...comes over and tells you how beautiful you are and that he would love to take you out to a nice restaurant, drink great wine and cuddle on a beach and watch the sunset...am I asking too much here people?! I guess so. Then I thought to myself...the woman is usually the one to make the first move. We are the ones that stare from across the room and give them a wink or a smile, we are the ones who have the courage to buy him a drink or make small talk...and we gals are the ones who decide who we are taking home. So why is it so damn hard for me? I guess hanging out with my dog and camping with girlfriends are limiting my options, but I don't have the desire to look, I want them to look for me. Maybe I am having a difficult time because my experience with men so far has been disappointing. I have been in two serious relationships. My first one was my high school sweetheart and that ended terribly. The second one was everything I wanted in a man, at least so I thought...and in the end I was sadly disappointed. They were both completely opposite people and if I had a giant magic wand...I would combine their best attributes and then I would have the perfect man! But the perfect man does not exist and ofcourse I am not perfect either. We all have our flaws, our dirty secrets, our insecurities. I just have to find the one who loves all my imperfections, wants a house with a yard and loves to travel...I will find him...oh yes...I will find him.

Trailer Park Treasures

Some are cute, some are ugly, some well...just plain tacky. But you find them in all shapes and sizes in the trailer parks across America. Some may wave or give a thumbs up! Others may smirk as they stand in silence. There are others that don't have a face...or a name...they were simply left near the curb for the garbage man to collect. But somebody out there found these homeless creatures and gave them another chance. They piled them into their oversized trunks, backseat of their Buicks or the back of their old Ford pick-up trucks and brought them to their new home...the front lawns of the Sumas Trailer Park. Here they feel at home, are among friends and laugh at those passing by as they protect their forested hideaway.

Online Dating - Experience number one

Ok, so I logged into my online dating website and much to my surprise there were several smiles sent to me. There was one guy that I thought...hmmm he is cute and he sounds interesting...so I smile back. Well...he sends an email with a link to his myspace site. Ooops bad move! I know that every person is going to put their best picture on their page because; hey we all want to look good! But when a person posts a picture of themselves and then sends you a link to see more photos...they should really take a look the picture they used to pick up chicks...he looks nothing like the real deal. I know that doesn't make sense...but it's true. Hey...I am not being stuck up here, but I am attracted to certain men, and well when I get a picture of a good looking man, and then see the real him...and he is a 110lb homely looking man who wears socks with sandals...I start to feel a bit discouraged. Cute Jewess what is your secret?! I guess I should have been more careful with blurry backyard photos and toques covering his bald head. My bad. However there is a cute boy, very tall, that also sent an email...we cleared the air that he is not the type of cyclist that wears fluorescent green spandex with butt pads, so I am feeling a bit better...let's see where this one takes us.

Dating for Dummies

So I did it. I finally registered myself on online dating. I have no idea what to expect but I am sure I will get some good laughs along the way. It would be nice to meet some new guys as the circle of friends that I have are either married, dating or don't really have any cute, funny, interesting boys for me, how sad. I have never really dated anyone. I was in a 10 year relationship and then jumped into another relationship shortly after for over a year and now I am single and a bit worried. I am 31years old and have no idea what the dating world is all about. How do you meet men? Do you go to the bar? Do you hang out at the grocery store? What if he catches me with tampons in my basket...how embarrassing or even worse what if he picked up some weird food items like pigs feet or blood sausage...ewww! So here I am...putting my hobbies, likes, dislikes and what I like to do for fun on some random message board where thousands of potentially interesting men or creepy weirdoes can check me out. I am nervous but intrigued. I really hope I don't to turn into one of those pathetic women who check their inbox everyday 5min to see if someone sent them a smile...oh god help me! I will post stories of this new and interesting experience just for shits and giggles. Stay tuned!

All about nothing

I have been enjoying the weather, riding my fantastic bike and hanging out with my dog. Funny story about my pooch. The fire safety inspectors were testing fire alarms in my building last Friday. Having no choice but to leave my dog at home since I was unable to find a dog sitter, I locked him in the bedroom with the cat. This way the guys entering my suite to test my fire alarm don't get eaten by a Pittbull, Sheppard, Ridgeback cross. I arrive home Friday to find out that the strata slipped my ONLY house key (the fire guys used to enter my suite) under my door assuming I had another one. Well they assumed wrong! So I had to track down the strata lady who then had to call a locksmith to get me into my suite where my dog is frantically waiting for me and probably having to pee like a race horse.

So I decide to grab some sushi and sit outside by a giant water fountain in front of my building waiting for the locksmith to arrive. The strata lady finds me in the courtyard with tool in hand to try and slide under the door to get my key. With great success we get the key...I give her a hi-five and enter my suite expecting to be greeted by an excited dog. I open my bedroom door....no dog. I don't panic quite yet because Charlie has escaped through my bedroom window before and he simply sat on the patio waiting desperately for me to come home. So I check the patio...no dog. I start to feel my heart race, palms sweat and the hysteria sets in. I grab my bike bust out the door and ride furiously through the back trails calling "Charlie". After several minutes I start becoming frantic. Tears start streaming down my cheeks. I call the animal shelters as I grip one handle of my bike, eyes blood shot while people stare at me as I peddle past them. No answer...then I hear a voice say: "If this is an emergency please call..." So I call the number, another f***ing answering machine!

Now I am freaking out, pissed off, and not knowing what to do next. So what do girls in desperation do? We call our ex-boyfriends. Don't ask me why girls often think this is the best option. So I call him...because after 2 years of being split up I still have his number programmed in my phone with his cute little nick name...what girl doesn't have their ex on speed dial...duh (feel the sarcasm here). So he answers which is ironic since he NEVER used to answer his phone. By this time I am a blubbering fool and can barely piece together a sentence because I am so distraught. I can hear his concern in his voice...and he says he will come right over to help me find Charlie. I decide to ride my bike over to the lake near my house...the phone rings...it's him...and he had his mom phone the other shelters I obviously didn't know existed...any ways...they found him. What a relief! So now I have to ride back to my place where my ex is waiting. My face is crimson from crying and riding my bike like a 'bat outta hell' and I am feeling rather stupid to have let my dog escape from my house. We go get the mutt who is so freaked out...he is yelping like someone is torturing him...pansy ass dog. So I pay the 50 bucks to get him out of prison...gave him a big hug...called him a dumb ass for taking off...and drank the biggest glass of wine imaginable as soon as I got home.

And that was my day from hell.

Keepn' It Real

Why is it that when you finally have the courage to speak how you truly feel the reaction is not ever what you expected or desired. You go through life holding back, burying it deeper and deeper until you feel the lump in your throat choke back those words that you want so badly to say. Growing up we seem to have developed this idea to keep the truth to ourselves if you feel it may hurt someone you care about. But in reality the more you avoid it, the harder it is to face it. That feeling in your gut, the rush of blood through your body, the uncontrollable butterflies...that is your true emotion...and you can't stop it no matter how hard you try. So what do we do...we hide them as best we can to avoid someone you care about knowing how you really feel. It may be that you are angry or upset with them and you simply don't want to hurt them or it may be that you desire them but you are too scared to find out that they don't desire you back. So we go through life reasoning with ourselves instead of being 'real' with ourselves. I admire those who simply say it like it is, no bullshit, and no worries. They are genuine, honest, and fearless and they are simply saying what everybody else is thinking.

I am going through many life changes and realizations, as you all may have noticed, and this is another hurdle that I wish to get over. From now on I am "Keepn' It Real" and so what if you don't like it. Life is short. Not only be honest with yourself, but be honest with those you care about.

I shall call her "LadyBug"

LadyBug - Hard on the outside yet soft in the middle. Her blood-red shell with her perfect black spots. Her willingness to take the hard road yet ready to take flight. She demands attention. All eyes on her with her striking colours as she sits idle on a bright green leaf. Ready for the unknown and willing to take a chance at adventure by travelling to new and exciting places.

Its all about me

I have struggled throughout my life trying to make others happy by putting my own feelings and needs aside. I would constantly worry about what others thought of me or how I could make people like me. The last few years I realized that focusing on making others happy made me miss out on my own happiness. I would continuously search for approval from others and try to be someone that I clearly wasn't.

Having realized that I was not focusing on myself and my needs...I made a change for the better. No longer do I compromise who I am to impress others. If I feel the need to be someone I am not to make that person like me, then clearly they are not someone I need in my life. So what if I say things that are politically incorrect, laugh at people when they hurt themselves (not seriously of course), and take an extra piece of cake when there may not be enough for everyone. I am learning to be selfish...not entirely selfish, but just a little.

We all need to look out for ourselves once in a while even if it means buying yourself a really great bike when you should be saving for something far more important. I know who my friends are and frankly I really don't need anymore. Don't get me wrong, I would love to meet new people and expand my network of friends, but if they don't cut it, I am not going to feel guilty about it. The friends I have make me happy, are proud of me, and support me no matter what stupid decisions I may make, which lately have been many.

So from now on...it's all about me, and I kinda like it.

Missing Pieces

She spent years of her life waiting, hoping, believing to find the piece of the puzzle she was missing
After much searching and disappointment, she finally gave up

She moved on and experienced life
But later on she realized that she still needed to find that piece to complete the puzzle

She took a chance and pulled out the box again
Both terrified and excited she scattered all the pieces onto the table and began to start over

She was almost done when she realized that there was still one piece missing

She now realizes that the puzzle she dreamt of was not meant to be completed
Now it is time for her to start a new puzzle and throw away the box with missing pieces

If I were a stalker...

Funny, Funny man...Dane Cook. Not only is he nice to look at, but he is gut splitting, face hurting, gasping for breath hilarious! You can watch a lot of his stuff on Youtube or rent his DVD stand up series. His stories will make you pee your pants or shoot water out your nose...seriously people check him out.

Thrill of the Ride

Twenty years have past and only now do I realize what I have been missing. Growing up, I loved riding my bike! To school, to the playground, to my friends' house. I remember pedaling like mad looking up at the street lights as they start to flicker and buzz. You see I had to be home before the street lights came on (my parent’s idea of a curfew is if it's dark out, it's late). I miss the warm breeze on my face, my hair blowing in the wind, coasting down a hill at full tilt..."look no hands!" I don't remember what happened to my trusty ten speed. Its funny what memories stick with you and what memories simply fade away.

Lately I have been driving past this bike shop in my hood and would gaze wide eyed at the pretty pink bikes with white handle bars and then flash back to my days of cruisn' on my Strawberry Shortcake bike with a banana seat designed for ultimate comfort and of course doubling your buddy. Finally on Tuesday I decided that I wanted to feel the wind in my hair again and the thrill of the ‘ride’. So I did it. I bought a bike...and not just any bike. It is a Rally Sport Cruiser. It’s white with red racing stripes, red spokes and it even has a basket with a little ladybug bell. I picked it up yesterday and took it for a spin. It was super-fantastic! I cannot wait until the sun is shining so I can cruise the beautiful parks that surround me, hit the kick stand and find a patch of grass to enjoy a lovely picnic! Photos to come!

The (Rock) Gods Must Be Crazy!

As I stroll in the mist of the Coquitlam River trails I feel something is watching over me. I turn down a path towards the river where brightly coloured moss and ferns hug its edge reaching for droplets of water. The raging river rushes past the shore, brown and murky from hard rains, its powerful rumblings surround me. I walk toward an opening in the trees. And there I see them. Tall, short, fat, thin, round, jagged. They watch my every move. They guard the forest with such stillness...their shiny outter shells glistening. They stand proud and protect their home with such calm and confidence. I feel like I am in a mystical fairytale and I have stumbled upon a world of rock people. I feel at peace as the sounds of the forest consumes me...it is magical. Thank you mystery rock people, you made me feel like a kid again and I loved every minute of it.

Sprung a Leak

Why do I have such a difficult time letting people into my life? I think that I have learned to tuck my emotions under the sheets so that no one can judge or ask questions. I keep things to myself mostly and I use humour to express my feelings. This can be very effective and makes others more comfortable but it does not take that crushing weight off of my shoulders that I sometimes feel.
I am very wary of who I let into my emotional bubble and those of you who are close to me know how hard it was to break down that giant cement barrier I built to protect myself. But slowly as the years past, I sprung a leak. I am learning to let people in, see me for who I am, all my flaws, all my issues, all my hurt and all my joy. By letting those I care about into my life fully and completely I realized that they do not judge, they do not ask, they simply listen and love me for who I am and I want to thank you for finally letting me let you in.

The Ultimate Fan

Passionate about their favourite team
Will go to any length to get free paraphernalia
Paint their faces regardless of how silly they look
Spend their savings on a jersey worn by their hero


and...


Decorate your car and home to let the people of Vancouver know how much you support the team!

I pass by this hockey fan's house every morning, I just couldn't resist to share it with you!

GO CANUCKS!!!

Plastic on the Sofa

You know those people who have their sofas covered in plastic so that they will forever look great and never sat on...I think I am turning into one of those people! Growing up I remember making fun of my girlfriend's parents because they would drape their nice furniture in ratty towels so that no spills or marks would get on them, and low and behold, my gal pal started doing the same thing, and I would tease the hell out of her. Well...when I decided to finally spend the money and invest in some new furniture, seeing as everything in my apartment is second hand, I decided on a dark red couch and cream chair. I love the colours and the pieces looked great against my yellow walls and other accessories, but I did not take into consideration that my dog is a golden yellow colour and my cat has black fur...oops! I don't let me dog on my furniture, but when I am not home I have no control. My cat chillaxes on the cream chair and the dog sprawls himself on the couch...so I come home to animal hair all over my beautiful furniture, argh! So I decided that when I go out I would throw and old sheet over the sofa. The idea is great, but when I get home, I keep the sheet on while I eat dinner because I don't want to spill on it (starting to sound like an old crazy couch lady hey), and now it has somehow become part of the sofa...it is so ugly with big Ivy leaves on it and dog drool stains. The only time I do take it off is when I clean the apartment or have company over...so I am not getting to enjoy my own furniture because I am suffering from an animal hair breakdown! So I am going to take the plunge and take that damn thing off as soon as I walk in the door of my apartment and appreciate the beautiful things I scrimped and saved for and enjoy it!!!

I was in my garden yesterday and took some photos of my flowers...enjoy!

Waiting...

As the spring arrives so does the feeling of new beginnings. I often wonder when my life is supposed to "start". I sit in idle and I feel as though I am always waiting for something....waiting for what I am not really sure of. For the perfect job, my soul mate, that moment when I feel I have accomplished or overcome something? Then I realize, what am I waiting for...this is it. Life is happening around me and there is no stopping it, there is no pause button. This is my life and I better start living it and stop "waiting" for something that may never come.

From now on I am going to live my life to the fullest, try to make the best out of any situation, stop sweating the small stuff, be positive and do things that make me happy.

Down for the count

Ok, so it has been almost two weeks and I am still really sick. I coughed so much the other night I literally pulled a muscle in my side. It hurts to cough, laugh or even move! So I said "this is it, I am going to the Dr.". So I get an appointment and my doc prescribed me Biaxin XL 500. Holy crap this drug is scary. I take my dosage that the pharmacist recommends and then next thing I know I am soooo drowsy that I barely made it to the bedroom to lie down. Then at midnight I wake up sweating like crazy, I am talking soaking wet and shivering, I run to the bathroom where I wretch. Sorry this is gross, but someone else needs to feel my pain for a minute. After lying on my bathroom floor for a good 5min, I decide to go back to bed. I felt like I was high. I could barely focus, stumbled to the bed and passed out again. I barely made it to work this morning...to be honest I probably shouldn't be here, but I have school tonight and would feel guilty if I went to school and not work. So anyways, I check out this Biaxin XL on the internet and there is a list of side effects that I seem to have all of. I am so scared to take more because of the traumatic experience last night, but apparently these are normal and I am to continue taking them to get rid of my horrible cough. I think I might be better off drinking myself into a stupor, at least I will enjoy it. So for those of you who are prescribed Biaxin XL this is your warning...as it will knock you on your ass!

Maternal Clock my ass!

I am thirty-something and very comfortable with being single, living in a condo, drinking red wine and sharing my deepest moments with my dog and cat...does that sound pathetic? When I was a little girl I thought that by age 24 I would be married with kids and live happily ever after. I keep thinking "Is there something wrong with me?" But then I make a mental checklist of my friends' lives and realize that most of them, some who are in long term relationships, are still hittn' the pubs, being reckless and sleeping until noon on weekends. This makes me feel a little more at ease. Yes I am getting older, but I still have soooo much to do before I "settle down". There is too much of this world to see and too much to do, and seems like as soon as you have children the seeing and doing becomes further out of reach. Maybe I feel this way because I have no desire to have children. Even when I was in a long term relationship, the thought of getting pregnant never crossed my mind. I can't explain what it is, but children, as much as they can be cute and funny, when I am around them they make me I sweat. I can barely watch my five year old niece eat because I think she is going to choke on her food...she is five and is way pass the stage of stuffing anything and everything into her mouth but I can't bear to be in the same room. When she wants to play Barbie, which I used to spend hours doing as a child, I can now only handle maybe 20min. This makes me wonder if my maternal clock has a faulty battery, because mine isn't ticking. I have a couple girlfriends with whom I keep in touch with (meaning a once a year birthday wish phone call) who have children and I can barely have a phone conversation with them because they are only half listening to me while the other half is them telling their kids to stop picking things off the floor, climbing on the furniture, blah, blah, blah. After I hung up the phone a shiver went down my spine, the kind you get when someone drags their nails over a chalk board...ughhhh! I feel terrible about this physical rejection of children but perhaps I have been put on this earth to help with the population control. I know, I know, everyone says these feelings will all change when I meet the "right guy", but what if I do and I still don't want any two foot nothings running around the house? Does that make me a horrible person?

10 Things I Love About Spring

Cherry Blossoms and how their petals fall like snow

Cool, fresh air and the warm sun on my face

Birds singing their lovesongs
Gardening

The sound of children playing outside

Tulips, my favorite flower

Firing up the BBQ and chilling on the patio

Shopping for new spring fashions

A visit from the Easter Bunny
Hockey playoffs. Go Canucks!

I 'heart' my dog

Ok I don't want to sound like a crazy dog person but my Charlie is just so damn cute. I rescued my boy from the SPCA http://www.spca.bc.ca/ over four years ago, and although it was a stressful few weeks when I first adopted him...it was worth it. He is always excited to see me, will always come to me when I call him, and he looks up to me with these big brown eyes that say "I will love you always and unconditionally!". He can be a bit much sometimes I admit, for instance I cannot go anywhere in my aparment without him, even the bathtub. He leans his head over the side while I bathe meanwhile my cat Marvin straddles the edge of the tub and stretches his neck out to drink the soapy bath water...why do cats drink out of everything but their water dish?! Anyways, the reason I wrote this is because this morning I was having a tough time draggin' my ass out of bed and all I needed to do was say "morning" to my sweetpea and his tail starts wagging, he grabs his ball, hops up onto the bed, tramples me, then offers sloppy wet kisses! I don't know any other living creature who is that excited to get up at 5:15am.

If you need a companion and you have time to spare, a little bit of cash and the love of the outdoors, visit your local SPCA and give a pet a loving home. Howz that for a plug?!

Single in the City

Sorry it's been so long for any one who is reading this, but I have been ill. I am talking puffy eyes, snot that never ends and a hacking cough that keeps me up all night, so basically I have not slept since Sunday, and I am feeling a bit gummy and worn. I thought I had my first public speaking class tonight and hit the library to check where my class is, turns out its tomorrow night. Doh!!!! So here I am at the computer lab typing away like mad so as to avoid going back to my pit of a house and watching one more horrible daytime makeover show...how many does there need to be for goodness sakes! Ok, so I am trying to learn to be on my own aka single, and I tell you it is damn hard. I have been in a relationship for pretty much half of my life and I am only 31 yikes! I am not a bar star, so going to meet boys under pulsating lights and disco music is not going to happen. Last weekend I actually did go to the bar for a birthday bash, and it was very fun, and I danced my ass off, but I forgot to take a look around for single boys. Instead I clung on to my friends who are all dating, married, to be married or gay...what am I doing wrong here? I did get some guy at the bar line up to buy me a drink, he was extremely tall with curly hair and cute, but I could give two poops that he may have been single because I was too focused on getting back on the dance floor to swing dance with a married friend of mine who spent half the night mooning people...I need to get out more. I enjoy hiking with my dog, but you only meet hippies with five dogs gripping a can of bear spray or boys who are already with a gal and their dog...and their baby...oh the perfect family, gag! So I have decided to take suggestions from those who have played the field. I know my friends have been there and done that and most of them are all happily hitched, but they had their trials and tribulations and one night stands...so give it to me...I am listening!

Small favours

I have a lot of spare time at work, and I made the mistake of telling a friend of mine that I could print some posters up for her. Well she decided to spread the word to fellow entrepenuers looking for a good deal on printing and pointed them in my direction. So I get this email from a guy who wants business cards and I think to myself, this can't be that difficult, besides my girlfriend told me this guy was hot...so I am thinking, I will dazzle him with my printing capabilities and maybe get a hot date out of it. So I say sure bring it on, send me the layout and I will quickly print up some media for you. Well...little did I know every printer in this building really doesn't like printing business card stock, so a 30 min job turned into a 3 hour job of picking out paper jams with tweasers and using up the IT guys time helping me...but luckily I flirted my way through it and he didn't seem to mind helping...so anyways, finally I get the job done, and it looks like shit, so now I feel like a tool because these people think I am working at a print shop and expect high quality stock, but instead they get flimsy card stock with perferated edges that take the colour off once you rip them...I broke down and sent an email explaining that I am no wizard at this and you can pick up your cards even thought they look like ass. God I hope he sends his business partner and does not pick them up in person 'cause I have a huge zit on my chin, my hair is flat and the cards are way below par and I feel dumb asking for $15 for the cost of the paper. I am out of the printing business for good.

Dysfunction Junction

Growing up I thought I was the only kid on the block who grew up in a nut house. In high school I would go to my friend’s house for family dinners and think..."is this what normal is supposed to be?" But as I grew older I realized that there is no such thing as a "normal" family. There is sibling rivalry, unless you are an only child, then you are usually weird or spoiled rotten, trust me, we can spot you a mile away...but we still love you. Then there is the strange cousin who everyone feels sorry for but still won't sit beside them at family dinners and the token drunk who seems to make an ass out of themselves at every family function. And I won't forget the denial our parents were in when growing up. When your teenage daughter asks to go to a sleep over at her friend’s house...chances are she experimenting with boys and drinking whatever mix they concocted from one of the parents basement bars. Until this day, my dad never thought it strange that I really enjoyed playing barbies, watching movies and eating popcorn every weekend at 16/17 years of age...DENIAL!

This story stemmed from a birthday dinner at my "second" family's house on the weekend. They are a hilarious group of individuals who each have their own unique characteristics and quirks, but damn are they entertaining. I don't know any other family who talks about blow jobs and starting a family grow-op over birthday cake. I wouldn't trade them for the world!

Sidalicious

For so many years, my friends have called me a rocker at heart and I begged to differ. But then this morning as I was getting dressed for work...I pulled out my Sid Vicious off the shoulder black T, which is Sid with a bloody face and cuts on his chest while he thrashes out on his guitar, and thought is this appropriate for casual Fridays? It took me a millisecond to decide "hell no" but I am wearing it anyways! So I frizz up my hair jump in my truck and turn on the radio. Let's see what are my options here...JT, U2, No Doubt...as I keep turning the dial I stop on Pat Benatar "Hit me with your best shot" start bobbing my head and roll with it. Then as I sit in my old truck with my off the shoulder Sid T-shirt singing to Pat, I freeze...and think to myself all these years I have denied the fact that I am a rocker yet somehow I know all the words to Def Leppard, Aerosmith and even have Sabbath dowloaded onto my ipod. So now it's time to come clean...I am a rocker at heart...Twisted Sister you are my hero!

Cellphone...why do I love you so?

Yesterday I decided to get out and walk my pooch before the sunshine disappears for the next week or so. Anywho, I get home and check my pockets...oh my god...no phone. I panic! First thing I think is to call someone and tell them to cancel my phone for me...oh wait...I don't have a phone anymore dumbass! I feel so lost! Five years ago, I would have never guessed I would rely so heavily on a little piece of tin in my pocket. But its true. It is my other brain...it knows all; birthdays, appointments, and phone numbers. It is pretty sad when I don't even know my best friend or boyfriend's telephone number...I only scroll to see the name and press send! We rely on technology too much, and it's a bit scary...I honestly think our brain will slowly start shrinking since we will stop exercising our thinking muscles to remember the simplist things like a birthday...scary. Back to the phone...some old man picked up my phone and dialed a friend of mine and kept hanging up because he couldn't quite figure it out. Finally the he sort of figured it out and met my friend at the gas station and gave it back. Props to the little ol' man that found my chunky yet shiny pal...god bless. "Oh how I missed you cell phone", even if it was only for 9 hours.

Found it...thought I lost it.

Ok, so the computer savvy girl that I am...not...found my blog which I thought I deleted or lost, but I basically did not know how to log in. So now I am here and in full effect! Thanks Queenie. My day today consisted of a whole lotta f***n' the dog at work, a $13 haircut, and eating way too much easter chocolate...hit the 3 o'clock wall and now I am flying on my sugar buzz.

Does anyone have a friend that has a voice message that makes you cringe every time you call and you can't manage to figure out how to skip it, so you hold the phone as far away from your ear as possible until you hear the beep! I have begged my best bud to please re-record her voice message as it sounds like she just rolled over from sweaty sex, lit a ciggy, took a drag and began her raspy voice "hi there" intro. She thinks this is funny so she promised me she changed it, so what do I do...gullable as I am...I call back. Guess what, she still has not changed her message, so for revenge I am going to call back every 10min (as I mentioned ealier I do sweet f*** all at work) and leave the worst of the worst cover songs by Robert Goulet.

First Blog Experience...work with me here people.

Ok, so this is my first ever blog posting. I just took a quick 10mins to set up my blog page, so if it sucks, bare with me people, I am fresh and new at this. Jasmine introduced me to this new and exciting adventure and so I thought "what the hell" and here I am...sooo when I have something more interesting to say and figure out this new and exciting communication tool...I will be back!